Who I am

Name: Tisha
Location: New England
Hobbies: Art, Writing, Bitching.
Email: Email me

This is my spot to bitch about life in general. Usually, I'm a pretty happy going person, but lately that's changed. I've been dealing with a lot of personal issues and I haven't been able to talk about them on my regular blog because a lot of my personal friends read it. So I'm using this place as a place to get out all my feelings and not worry about what people say about me or think of me. Feel free to email me at any time if you want... for any reason.

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April 2004
May 2004
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004

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Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Inches from rock bottom


I'm so emotionally fucked up right now. It's getting to the point where I can't take anything anymore... I can see how bad things are getting, and yet, I can't.
I went to see my therapist today and it was clear before I even sat down that things had gotten worse since the last time I saw her two weeks ago. The entire session was like a kick in the face. I trust my counselor a lot, even tho I've only had a handful of sessions with her. She knows what she's doing, which makes it so much harder for me to accept what she says. I don't want to believe it.
Everything we talked about -- work, the boyfriend, family relationships, friends -- she pointed out the bad things. The things that I let happen because I don't want to disappoint anyone. I've always been the type of person to make sure one of my friends is ok. I'll be there for them in a heart beat, I've always been like that. The thing is, I never receive anything in return with most of my friends... so it's like I'm giving everything I've got and I get nothing back, which is discouraging and hurtful. Lately I've been doing that with everyone. I don't want to disappoint anyone -- not my boss, my friends, my boyfriend, family... etc. I don't put myself first for anything which has caused me to deplete my energy. Work comes before eating, work comes before relationships, relationships come before sleep, etc, etc. I'm running out of gas and yet I keep going.
Part of our session was related to everything I explained there and how I was on a path to self destruction. I don't believe it, does it sound like it to you? My therapist flat out told me that I have to do something about all of this or I'm going to end up either blowing up at the people I work with, doing something extremely stupid, or the situation she kept going back to "leaving on a stretcher". Excuse me? A stretcher? Where did that come from? Yes, I'm tired after work, no I don't have time for myself... and yes, when I do I feel guilty for not spending it with my boyfriend. But a stretcher? Hmm... I don't think so. I don't think I'm that bad. Am I seriously that naive? I just don't get it. I really don't.
All I want... is at the end of the day to feel productive, but not tired. Happy, but not because I blew people off. I want to be closer to my family who has NO idea what the hell is going on with me. I want to be able to lean on them when I need to, not bottle it up. Same with friends. I have very little friends left. There are only a handful who I talk to on a regular basis.. and even they are fading. I want to be able to lean on them without having to feel guilty --not because they've made me feel that way, but beacuse that's how I automatically feel when I attempt to depend on someone-- I don't want to be afraid of having others get close to me and see the *real me* (although I'm not quite sure who that is). I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be able to go to sleep at night without feeling lonely and completely isolated from everyone, including the people in my own house. Why is this so hard for me to do? How did I get this fucked up? I could blame it on a ton of things, one stands out more than the others, but why? It's in the past. What was done was done, I can't change it, and that's that.

Ugh. Seriously. I'm so not happy with myself right now... If you couldn't tell. Actually, if you made it this far I should give you an award or something. I'm sorry for rambling on and on about the same ol' crap over and over, but this is obviously the only place where I can do it. I'd rather get it out somewhere instead of internally hating myself all night. Blah. I need sleep.

Tisha bitched at 10:10 PM | |


Monday, June 28, 2004

Ragdoll

Today has been a day. Yup.
I went to work today without eating much so work kicked my ass. I was doing a bunch of "bitch work" (aka, mulching flower beds and watering flowers). Usually it's not too bad, but I really didn't feel like touching any of that stuff today.
Afterwards I found time to spend with my boyfriend, he spent most of the time complaining about how mean I've been. I guess I have, but it's not the kind of mean where I say horrible things, I'm just in a bad mood. We ended up talking about things, and well, I just can't get anything across to him. He blames our lack of relationship this past month on my working 6 days a week, always being tired, not staying out late with him, my medication, blah blah blah. When I told him to hold it for a second and try and see things from my point of view, he didn't quite get it.
I can admit, I have been tired a lot... it's because I don't eat and then work 8-10 hours a day. You'd be tired too! Of course, he doesn't know this so I accept his argument there. But... BUT... he also works. He has a job that requires him to go in at weird times. Sometimes he'll go to work at 7:30 in the morning, and other times, like tonight, he'll go in at midnight. He sleeps during the day for the most part now, so yeah, that cuts in on our time.
I also tried to explain to him that some of the things he says to me really hurts. He didn't seem to get it. I have issues with constantly taking things and making them my responsibility, which in the end fucks me over because I feel like I have so much to deal with when really it's just not that important. He'll say things that end up making me feel bad... like me not going to pick up dinner because I had other errands that needed to be done. He'll say that he has been busy all day, he's tired, he doesn't want to drive... yadda yadda yadda. I'll apologize 10 times and promise to do something for him later on. Is that healthy? Afterwards I'll point out some of the things he said like that and he kinda just brushes it off.. saying he was just kidding and that I shouldn't' take him seriously. What's a girl to do?
Right now, I'm in the worst mood. Yes, it's because of him. No, I didn't tell him when he asked 48 times. It'll just make things worse. Bottling things up is SO much easier than dealing with them.
And with that... I'm going to bed because I have to spend my day off tomorrow driving three hours in the car. *YAY*

Tisha bitched at 11:18 PM | |


Dreamin' 'bout you

I hate it when you have the most random dreams with the most random people in them. I had a dream about two people who I haven't seen for years, which deserves one random point. But also, I don't even like them! Which deserves 2 random points. What's going on here? You'd think if I didn't like someone I wouldn't dream about them. Ah, sometimes my imagination scares me. :)

Tisha bitched at 10:20 AM | |


One good thing about music, when it hits you you feel no pain

I've been listening to Sarah McLachlan a lot lately, I can't seem to get tired of her CDs. I totally relax whenever I play her new CD, Afterglow, you should give it a listen. This is one of my favorite songs, I thought I'd share it with you guys...

World on Fire

The world's on fire
And it's more then I can handle
I'll tap into the water
Try and bring my share
Try to bring more, more then I can handle
Bring it to the table
Bring what I am able

Hearts are worn in these dark ages
You're not alone in these stories pages
The light has fallen amongst the living and the dying
And I'll try to hold it in
Yeah I'll try to hold it in

I watch the heavens but I find no calling
Something I can do to change whats coming
Stay close to me while the sky's falling
I don't wanna be left alone, don't wanna be alone

Hearts break, hearts mend, love still hurts
Visions clash, planes crash, still theres talk of
saving souls, still colds closing in on us

We part the veil on our killer sun
Stray from the straight line on this short run
The more we take the less we become
The fortune of one man means less for some

The world's on fire
And it's more then I can handle
I'll tap into the water
Try and bring my share
Try to bring more, more then I can handle
Bring it to the table
Bring what I am able


Tisha bitched at 12:25 AM | |


Friday, June 25, 2004

/insert title here

I can slowly feel myself pulling away from others again. I'm not enjoying it. This time around I can see it happening, but again, I don't know how to stop it. I feel fake when I talk to people. Things feel awkward, out of place, and strange. It's hard for me to hold a conversation with anyone anymore... there are a few exceptions tho, for which I am grateful.
I spent today wallowing in self-pity, which is the exact opposite of what I should have done. I think work is getting to me. I'm always on the go, I don't have much time to myself, and when I do I spend it sleeping. Eating has again been put on the back-burner, I don't have time for it, which is sad. Hmm..
I know a lot of people don't read this, which is probably a good thing, I hate constantly talking about negative things. I feel as if I'm dragging others down with me and I'm sorry if that's what I've been doing. Normally I don't mind negative things, but only if they're surrounded by a bunch of positives. I think this blog will win the "Most Depressing Blog of the Year" award this year... if there is such an award. Heh.
It's starting to thunder so I think I'm going to get cracking on some homework to keep me busy until bedtime. I hope you all had a good day :)

"She, she screams in silence
A sullen riot penetrating through her mind
Waiting for a sign
To smash the silence with the brick of self control" - G.D.

Tisha bitched at 9:09 PM | |


Thursday, June 24, 2004

Not so cheery

Today has been a hard day. I was alone at work all day which gave my mind the amount of time it needed to start making me think about things that I shouldn't have been. My heart feels so heavy and empty at the same time. I don't know what I should be feeling about anything anymore. I can see myself looking at my situation and being able to see exactly why I'm depressed, what I should do to fix it, and how it'll help a lot of things... including relationships with my friends... and yet, I still can't do it. I can't and it hurts. Worst of all I don't know how to make it stop hurting.
I know there are worse things to have to deal with, but I seriously pray to God that the hurting stops soon.
How's that for a cheery post?

Tisha bitched at 9:26 PM | |


Rest is good

I actually got a good night's sleep last nice so I feel almost completely energized. I'm skipping on breakfast today to see how long I can go before I have to eat... I'm not sure why, but that's what I've decided to do.
I'm actually up and ready on time to go to work today which doesn't happen pretty often so I decided to come on here and blog to make up for that extra time. heh.
I don't have anything to do tonight, I'm looking forward to a relaxing night. I have some work that I need to finish up, so I'll probably dive into that before I finish the book I'm currently reading. Sounds good to me! Have a good day everyone :)

Tisha bitched at 9:03 AM | |


Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Two words: holy crap.


I haven't been around for while I guess, eh? I've been really busy with work and all. Being home from school has been more stressful than I anticipated. Instead of randomly bitching at my friends and being in constant bad moods I've lightened up a little bit... but mostly because I've been keeping it all inside. I'm just so good at it!

I changed the skin on this baby, do you like?? The other had been broken for a while, I just didn't have the motivation to fix it. It only took 5 minutes to set this one up and I'm pretty happy about it. I'm not sure about the font colors tho. I think I'll play around with it here and there.

So how is life everyone? Sweety? James? haha, I think you two are my only readers.. but that's ok :) I like you.
When I updated the skin I lost all of my comments, boo to that! But otherwise... I'm functioning.. putting on weight here and there... poo to that! But eh, you know how it is. :) I *PROMISE* I'll be around here a little bit more than I have been... no.. a LOT more than I have been. Sound good?


Tisha bitched at 10:47 PM | |