Who I am

Name: Tisha
Location: New England
Hobbies: Art, Writing, Bitching.
Email: Email me

This is my spot to bitch about life in general. Usually, I'm a pretty happy going person, but lately that's changed. I've been dealing with a lot of personal issues and I haven't been able to talk about them on my regular blog because a lot of my personal friends read it. So I'm using this place as a place to get out all my feelings and not worry about what people say about me or think of me. Feel free to email me at any time if you want... for any reason.

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April 2004
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July 2004
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Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Better?

I was visited by a teacher I had in high school on Monday. She came to my work, which was very unexpected and it completely through me off guard. She was one of the people who I depended on when I first started going through everything this spring. We emailed each other back and forth many times about the problems she dealt with when she was suffering from anorexia and about the problems that I was going through at the time. I opened my heart and soul to this woman expecting that she'd be understanding because of what she went through. Not true. Instead, she dropped me like a hot potato because she couldn't handle talking to me anymore. It was making her depressed. I guess I can understand where she was coming from, but then she started the whole "tough love" thing on me. She sent me a newspaper clipping on an eating disorder inpatient program saying I should call them up and go there. She also hounded me about telling my parents, which was the exact opposite of what I needed. Things got rather ugly with her because I basically told her off. I *kindly* explained to her that she wasn't my mother, I wasn't ready to get better, and that her "tough love" did nothing but make me feel even more alone that I had already felt. I ended up not speaking to her for a while until she showed up at my house one day to talk to me. We made up, sort of, and then she went away for the summer. I hadn't seen her since then.
When she showed up at my work I turned around and she was just standing there. I was rather surprised, so instead of saying "hi" like most people would do, I said "holy crap". heh. I'm good with words.
It upset me to see her. I wasn't ready for it I guess. She hugged me, said how good I looked, and that she was glad I was getting better.
Getting better? When did this happen?
She also said it looked like I put on some weight, which made me want to run to the bathroom and throw up right there. We talked about nothing in particular but I managed to take off the nail polish I had on 7 of my finger nails. I was obviously nervous. I couldn't look her in the eye for very long, I was fidgety, and all I could really concentrate on was my nails.
I had been having a good week until she showed up. I had been eating more and feeling a little better about myself. I hadn't had the urge to purge, and I hadn't been looking down on myself or felt extremely depressed for about a week or so. I think part of it was because I have started to block things from my mind again; it's just easier to forget about things than to deal with them. Whatever the case was, I was feeling better.
As soon as she left I wanted to cry. All of the sudden everything came rushing back at me all at once. I felt more alone that day than I have in a long time. I realized that if she thought I was getting better, who else did? There are only a few people who know what's going on with me... and even they don't know everything about me. They don't know about my past and what caused me to start being like this... they just know that this is how I am, and although it is rarely mentioned, I know I can talk to them about things. So why do I feel so alone? I wish, more than anything in the world that I could feel loved, or whole, or whatever you want to call it. I know I am loved, but it doesn't feel that way. Maybe, if I just told people around me what is going on it would be different. I would have more people to lean on. But I can't do that. I can't let people know I'm weak. I can't depend on anyone. I've been let down by too many important people in my life that, even at 20, I already know I can't trust anyone with my deepest fears and secrets. They won't be able to deal with it. That is why I hold everything inside. That is why I feel like I'm dead inside. That is why I starve myself. That is also why I don't want to get better.
If you have made it this far, congrats. I should make you some kind of plaque. Tonight was a venting night. I don't even know where all of that came from. A half hour ago I was laughing and not thinking about any of this, and now I'm emotionally and physically drained... I need to go to sleep.



Tisha bitched at 12:43 AM | |


Wednesday, July 14, 2004

I need more hours in the day!

I realllly don't want to go to work today. The tiny amount of caffeine I had this morning already wore off, I think I'll have to make a few more cups of tea. It is cloudy and cold out today, I'm actually wearing pants and a sweatshirt. I don't remember the last time I wore pants... but have no fear, I still have on my famous flip flops. I won't wear any other kind of shoe until the snow hits the ground.
I went to bed late last night and woke up early this morning because I couldn't fall back asleep. I think I need to start getting in bed by 11. I can't keep myself up anymore, I drag too much in the morning which eventually puts me in slacker mode and then I get into one of my lovely bad moods. Thankfully, I only have to work until 4 today, but to counteract leaving work early I have to go to class at 5. I don't mind class too much, it's just a pain sometimes because I feel like I'm not learning much. Actually, all I have to do now is pass in my final, which I haven't finished yet, and then I don't need to go to class anymore. The slacker in me has prevented me from doing any such work, heh, oh well!! I should be done with class by next Monday which makes me happy as a clam, I don't have to sit in traffic for 40 minutes every Monday and Wednesday on the highway anymore... *YAY!*
Alright, enough with this random stuff, I must go to work... but not before I have a ginormous cup of tea with an extremely large amount of sugar in it. heh, I can feel the shakes coming already. *wheee!*

Tisha bitched at 10:09 AM | |


Sunday, July 11, 2004

AAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just wrote out this whole long-ass post about the lack of communication between me and my boyfriend and freakin' IE decides to be an asshole. Now I'm angry, frustrated, and in a horrible mood... which I totally didn't think was possible after the great day I had. I'm going to bed.

Tisha bitched at 11:39 PM | |


Angel
Sarah McLachlan

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight


In the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there


So tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here.


Tisha bitched at 10:41 PM | |


Friday, July 09, 2004

I don't even want to try and explain what is going on with me. I don't know anymore. I have successfully fooled my family, my boyfriend and all of my friends. Everyone who knows anything about my eating I have pushed out of my life, the same goes for anyone who knew I was depressed and that I cut. I think I can truthfully say that I am not going to get better any time soon. What else can I do? I'm on meds, I've done counseling, neither seem to be helping. Maybe it seems like I'm looking for a quick fix, but doing this for four months is already getting old. I find myself driving faster than normal and thinking about what I could crash into on the highway without hurting anyone else. If it weren't for the fact that I love my car, I really don't want to know if I'd follow through with it. Probably not. But seriously, I feel as if I'm all out of options. I've run out of places to run to, people to turn to, and ways to cope. I'm thinking it's about time to throw in the towel. How's that for a positive post?

Tisha bitched at 7:55 PM | |


Tuesday, July 06, 2004

I've been having issues with blogger lately. I can't seem to view my page at all. Hmm. Oh well, lets see if this works. :)
I've finally been able to relax and it feels great! I feel completely refreshed and totally ready to face tomorrow's long-ass day at work. I will feel completely different about all of this tomorrow... but catching up on sleep and girly time has been great. I think I'm going to go lounge around in some comfy clothes until I fall asleep. *Whee*

Tisha bitched at 8:29 PM | |