Who I am
Location: New England
Hobbies: Art, Writing, Bitching.
Email: Email me
This is my spot to bitch about life in general. Usually, I'm a pretty happy going person, but lately that's changed. I've been dealing with a lot of personal issues and I haven't been able to talk about them on my regular blog because a lot of my personal friends read it. So I'm using this place as a place to get out all my feelings and not worry about what people say about me or think of me. Feel free to email me at any time if you want... for any reason.
I am *SO* freaking out. Soooooooooo so sooooo freaking OUT!!!
It has come to my attention that I'm not where I wanted to be at this time of the year. I'm not ready for school to start. At. All.
I am running very low on cash, which doesn't help at all... but also I've gotten worse with the food/friends/everything else stuff that I'm afraid to go back because I don't want to turn into the person I was at the end of last semester.
I cancelled on my counselor last week because I didn't feel like going. What kind of excuse is that? I know she's an hour and a half away, which I guess is a reasonable excuse, but I know I should have been there. I knew that the reason I cancelled and didn't make another appointment was because I'm scared of what I may find out about myself. The last session I went to I basically admitted to her that I didn't care anymore. I didn't care that I didn't care about my friends anymore. I didn't care about myself, I didn't care where I was or what I was doing because it meant nothing to me. What the hell?
So yeah, I guess I was afraid to go back there and face myself. I don't want to be the person I've become. It's horrible. How can someone not care about the people in their life? How can they not care enough about themselves to eat? I feel so lost and completely alone. I have people in my life who know bits and pieces of my "story" is, but not one person knows the complete story, and when they get close to knowing it all I back away. There's nothing worse than being surrounded by people and feeling completely alone, especially with your own family. I feel like I'm fighting this enormous battle under their noses and I desperately want to call out for help, but I'm too proud to. I don't want them to worry, or think they have to walk on egg shells around me. But eh, I don't know...
This entry has confused the crap out of me. I started writing knowing exactly what I was going to talk about, but now it feels like none of the lines are connecting, so I think I'm going to stop here and then come back to it another time when I'm not in freak out mode.
Tisha bitched at 11:38 PM | |
It's pretty rainy and poopy out today. I have to work, which is nothing new, but the rain wants me to crawl back into bed and sleep until two in the afternoon. Ah, that would be nice. I wish we had internet connections at work... that would make the day go by soooo much faster! It gets really boring there, and usually I'm the only one there so I have to entertain myself so I don't fall asleep at all, because that would be bad. As much as I'd love to sit around and blog all day, I should get going. Must...get...to...work... I am trying to look on the bright side; Sundays are like my Fridays so I'm looking forward to two days off to do absolutely nothing. Yay!
Tisha bitched at 9:56 AM | |
More of the same
It's been one of those weeks. I'm not sure how much more I can put up with myself. I went on vacation with the family, and realized that every year I'm the center of their jokes. Normally, this doesn't bother me, but in the state of mind that I've been in for the past who knows how long... I didn't take it very well this year. It took all of my energy to not burst into tears in the middle of a restaurant, and then again in the parking lot, and on the ride back to our place, and then again when I was getting ready for bed. It wasn't until everyone was gone and I found myself alone with my sister's cat on her couch that I broke down and cried my eyes out. Family is important to me, they usually keep me sane, but not last night. I have never felt so alienated from them before, it hurt. I don't feel like I'm "one of them". Sure, my personality is the same as the rest of them... but I'm different. I've always been the one with curly hair and blue eyes, the exact opposite of their straight hair and brown eyes. I've always been interested in different things than they have, food... music... clothes... you name it. But for some reason yesterday hit me like a ton of bricks. I have never felt so alone before in my life. There was no one to talk to, (although I could have called my boyfriend, but I would have woken someone up between sobs while I tried to explain why I was upset) no one who knew that I was upset, and no one that seemed to care. Although, I'm sure if they knew something was wrong they would be there for me. I just can't seem to tell them anything. I think I've finally realized that I'm doing all of this to myself... on purpose!! I never thought my version of "protecting" my family would come around to bite me in the ass. I always believed that I was strong enough to deal with everything on my own (although, I'm not sure what 'everything' is anymore). So now that I can't deal with it anymore, what am I supposed to do? I'll feel stupid if I go to my mom and say, "Hey, I've been severely depressed since... oh, I don't know.. March? I just thought you'd like to know!"
More than anything I just want to talk about all of this to someone and have them understand and give me a hug. Unfortunately, I can't receive hugs online, which means I'll have to talk to someone I personally know, which also means it'll never happen. Meh. I've got to stop doing this to myself. Thanks again, as always, for listening.
Tisha bitched at 12:13 AM | |
Class 'A' Bitch
I went and saw my counselor today for the first time in a month. I think part of last night's self-hating episode had to do with the fact that I had to face her today. I hate going in there telling her about all of the things I'm still doing and how I think I'm making no progress at all.
Our sessions don't really go anywhere, I'm starting to think she's not for me. She knows what she's talking about, but I don't connect to her like I did with my last one... who I miss terribly. I'd give anything to have my old counselor back again. *sigh*
I sat in my session today listening to what my counselor had to say (who, by the way, I'm going to be calling JM from now on... it's just easier), and I was thinking about everything she was saying and how she had good intentions with her opinions and the guidance she was giving me... but I knew as soon as I left her office that I wouldn't stick to anything she said. I was nodding my head and agreeing with her the entire time, but inside I was screaming what I really wanted to say. I sort of got some of it out, I told her about how I hated myself, how my eating has gotten to the point when I do eat I get full (if I allow it) off of the tiniest proportions that no human should be able to survive on (and yet I'm not losing anymore weight?!?!!). I cried through the first half... but the second half I just listened. With my old counselor I talked the entire 50 minutes, and when I left I felt like everything that was weighing me down was gone. When I leave JM my mind is full of all of the things that she said I should do that it just brings me down, because in reality there's not a chance in hell I'm going to accomplish any of the things she talks about... even if I'm only supposed to be taking "small steps".
When I wasn't zoned out and was actually listening to her she said that I'm a perfectionist. When did this happen? She also said I was deliberately using mental self-destruction (if someone asks me what's wrong and I say 'nothing', it takes the chance that I had to tell someone the truth about how I really feel and open up to them and throws it out the window. Leaving the person thinking I'm fine, and leaving me alone and completely isolated with my feelings) on myself whenever I'm offered anything because I feel bad and think that'll I'll be a burden, or that I can handle a situation myself although I'm actually in way over my head.
Hm, what else did I learn? She told me that I'm at the point where I don't care about anyone anymore because I used up all of my resources, burned myself out, and now I have nothing left. She said I'm unable to care about anyone because I can't even care about myself. How is that?? The one thing that I want more than anything is to be able to care about people. My friends, my family, my boyfriend... and yet I find it really hard to. There are a select few that I still do that for.. but I don't want to be a "class A bitch" as JM put it to them too. What will I have left?
Oy, this is a long one. I feel more miserable than I did last night at this time. I'm on the verge of tears, but I know I'll hold that off until I get into bed... where I feel the most alone. I wish I had the guts to tell people what's going on with me. I need a hug (which I'm sure I'll get from Freya, thanks hun. Your comments really do help even tho I suck at replying to them). *sniff*
Tisha bitched at 12:19 AM | |
I'm really messed up right now. Earlier today I was thinking about how I haven't blogged on this for quite a while and how things have been going good. This blog, which was once used as a way for me to vent my negative feelings has turned into exactly what I don't want it to be. A painted picture of a person who is in serious need of help; one who is extremely depressed, hard on herself, underweight and malnourished, but most of all... a person who only focuses on the negative things in life. That is what bugs me the most; I'm not a negative person. I don't only focus on the negative things in life. I try to live my life to its fullest... and although I can't do it all of the time, I try to do it as much as possible.
My boyfriend just told me that I rely on the internet a lot, and he's right. I do. I rely on it because on here I have friends that know the "real" me. I'm not afraid to voice my opinions, say stupid things, or act on my feelings towards people... in reality, I'm a huge baby. I'm not a people person. I suck at conversations, I'm not good at meeting new people, and I'm very self-conscience. I worry a lot about saying the wrong things to the wrong people, or making myself look stupid by not having the right words handy. Appearance isn't a huge thing with me, but I do try to look good and present myself well to others.
More than anything I wish I could balance the two versions of me and make a complete person. I don't wan to feel awkward anymore when talking to people... I want to be able to start an entire conversation on something stupid like a rock... and then leave that person knowing about their family, their life, and their hopes. I've even looked at books to help with that but I'm too ashamed to check out at the counter with them.
I'd like to just say sorry to all of you who read this. I'm sorry I haven't showed you the real me. I'm sorry that you've put up with all of this negative bullshit, and I'm sorry I have been hiding behind a fake name. Some of you read my other blog and it hurts when I reply to comments knowing that I have to be careful of what I say to make sure I don't throw any hints out there. I'm sorry I'm not a more cheerful person here, but I can't write about something that I've already blogged about without everyone knowing who I am. How stupid is all of this? I'm thinking to myself... who am I to think I'm some big shot person who has to go "into hiding" in order to voice my own opinions? It sucks that family has gotten to my other blog, or, should I say, it sucks that I'm not truthful to my family... who have no idea I'm going through any of the things that I've written about on here. I need to sort things out. I feel so out of wack and not like myself that I'm starting to wonder who I actually am. I need to rest and take time out to ask myself who I really am and who I want to be.
Tisha bitched at 2:05 AM | |